"I have been a Foster Parent with By the Bridge for over 20 years, I have looked after a number of children and young people and have really enjoyed my time fostering. Caring for young people, watching them grow and develop and taking part in society when they leave my care has been fantastic. Fostering is very rewarding with its ups and downs, despite the downs, it is so inspiring to see someone come to live in your home, achieve their best self and flourish and become a valued part of your family. These are the things that keep me fostering and caring for children who enter the Care system. One of the most rewarding relationships I had was with RO.
RO’s behaviour was seen as very ‘challenging’. People told me he was ‘difficult’. He held poor attendance at school, was rude to tutors and often refused to participate in family activities. He found it difficult to follow house rules or respect boundaries that we had discussed. He would only ask for support and advice if he felt he had no other choice.
As a therapeutic Foster Parent, I try to be very patient and calm and am fully attentive when listening to his needs. I ensure that I always support him to make his own decisions as appropriate. It is so important, as a Foster Parent, to understand that surface ‘attitude’ is often due to trauma and loss, and it is important to see past a person’s behaviour to understand what is creating the dysregulation. I encouraged RO to attend school. I ensured that I knew how he was progressing in school, because I knew this was his future security and he needed to take it seriously. I liaised with the school so that they would understand that they could call on me when his behaviour became difficult. We would discuss how I could help. I made sure he realized that I do not take his behaviour personally, and I would explain to him how he could do far better by being nicer to his tutors and other pupils. We discussed each scenario and ways that he could have handled the situation better; and how he could encourage more people to help him if he was calm and polite.
I attended all his school meetings, would call his tutors if things were going wrong and encourage him to improve his attitude. I encouraged him to attend school, explaining how his attendance in school makes a difference when applying for university. I explained how universities take attendance and behaviours seriously. I explained that his tutors giving a reference is because they want the best for him; and that they were trying to help him achieve his goal of further education. I gave examples of other young adults attending university and what they had to do. I made sure he started to take his attendance and behaviour very seriously, by slowly planting ideas in his head about how he could progress, giving him consistent encouragement and by just not responding to the negatives and complimenting the positives. I slowly worked away at helping him change his attitude.
I can say this worked, it was a challenge, but it worked, he slowly began to listen and I saw slow changes. He started attending school consistently, I saw that he was taking his education seriously and knuckled down to the work. I can now share that he was offered places at university, he received a distinction in his studies at college and has now left my care to attend university. To me, this was one of my greatest achievements, his patterns were such a challenge but being patient and understanding and ignoring the negative behaviour won him over. His future is now bright.
My second child, MP, was quite flat when she first came to live with us - not speaking much, she wouldn’t eat any meals and would go out for the day, stay out (telling me she would eat with a friend) returning home at 9pm and would go straight to her room. Again, I had to work out ways to help her to settle in with our family. I began to ask her for food items she would like for breakfast, I would make sure we had those items in the house. I would let her know that this is her home and we wanted her, and that she was free to go into the kitchen and eat as she wanted. I continue to encourage her friends to come over and offer to order pizzas, that way she would eat with her friends as well. I make sure to ‘check in’ with her whenever she returns home, I ask how she is, how is school, etc. At our recent PEP, the school mentioned that she is becoming more positive and can be quite animated when talking.
Although it’s slow progress, gradually things are improving and I think she is feeling more settled, she spends more time in the house and she has breakfast every day. We are happy to have her in our home. Fostering is not an easy job but it is a rewarding one, it changes lives for the better and I want to be the change agent that helps children to have hope and a future and to make headway in life.
